Fun with the Home Defibrillator/Aug 2006 Moron Of The Month Award

This month's winner is a very special product. It's the Home Defibrillator. In case you don't know what a defibrillator is, it's one of those things they use to shock someone when their heart has stopped. Now when BillyBob has a heart attack, there's no need to drag him outside, grab the jumper cables, hook them up to the old pickup and zap him. Just grab your home defibrillator. (Hummm... I wonder if it would work the other way around. The car won't start and I can't find the jumper cables. Grab the paddles, zap the battery....good as new!)

A couple of problems I have with the Home Defibrillator come from the commercials I've seen for it. The first thing they tell you in the commercial is that 80 percent of the people who die from heart attacks never had any previous symptoms. And that most of them could have been saved if there had been a defibrillator close by. Okay fair enough. Then they tell you that you can only get the Home Defibrillator by prescription. Now wait a minute. If I don't have any symptoms of heart problems, why would a doctor write me a prescription for a defibrillator? Just in case I might have one? I think that's taking preventive medicine just a little too far. If a doctor came to you and said, "We've ran some tests and we have found no signs of cancer. But just to be safe, we're going to give you Chemo Therapy anyway." Would you ever go back to that doctor? I don't think so. Let's do all kinds of other stuff, just to be sure. Let's cut off all my limbs just in case I might ever get gangrene in any of them. Let's put in a pacemaker just in case my heart ever decides to stop beating regularly on it's own. Let's do a liver transplant just in case mine might be going bad on me. Come on, how far do you want to take this just in case thing?

I'm sure this product will save lives. But I don't think I want Joe Smoe zapping me with a few thousands volts. I'd much rather have some one who's had a little bit of training, like maybe A DOCTOR, using it on me. I really don't want some moron using it on me just because I fell asleep on the couch. "LOOK, he's not moving and his eyes are closed! He's had a heart attack. Quick BillyBob, grab the defibrillator! No, forget jump starting the car, we need to zap him right now!"

Now I'm sure there will be lots of other fun uses for the Home Defibrillator. Can you imagine being at a party with about 20 drunken college students when one of them finds the Home Defibrillator? OH BOY! LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!! "Hey Joe, stand on your head, chug this beer and we'll hit you with 5 thousand volts. It's an awesome rush!" Or maybe, "Whoa dude, at the lowest setting it makes your hair stand straight up. But at the highest setting your eyes light up and blink like a neon sign. It's really cool." I'm sure more party games will follow. "Dude, hold these paddles while you suck on the keg. We'll start turning this knob. See how long you can take it. The record is setting 5 so far. Don't worry dude, it's cool. Ken did it and he stopped twitching after an hour or so!"

Yeah, this is just the thing I want at my house. Forget the fake stethoscope and thermometer. Let the kids play doctor with the real thing! While you're at it, give them everything in your medicine cabinet along with a scalpel and one of those syringes with the really long needles.

This sure sounds like a handy thing to have around the house. I bet it would work well in the kitchen too! "Mom, I put a potato in the microwave oven, but it didn't cook it all the way though. Where's the Home Defibrillator?" Maybe at restaurants. "Can I warm your coffee up for you?" ZAP! Now it's nice and hot. Maybe you can start your own business with it. Instead of a lemonade stand, maybe the kids can start a shock therapy clinic in the front yard. I bet there are a lot of people in the neighborhood that could use it. And you can charge a lot more for the service than selling some warm, colored sugar water.

Yes, this is a wonderful product. It has 1001 uses. Just think about it and I'm sure you can come up with more on your own. The possibilities are endless. So to the makers of the Home Defibrillator, I say thank you for giving us this wonderful life saving device/party game/kitchen device. Because of your advanced thinking, you have rightly earned this months Moron of the Month award.

Robert Clayton is a new writer to the world of humor. Having loved to make people laugh his whole life, Robert has turned his comdey skills toward the direction of writing. He maintains the site http://www.gifts-software-n-more.com where he shares many of his wild thoughts and articles. If you need a laugh in your life, look for other articles by Robert and be sure to check out his website.